Happy News Year

IN OTHER NEWS. . .

President George W. Bush Daddy gave today what appears to be his last press conference while still in office. Disgruntled at claims by critics that his only legacy consists in two hopeless wars and a hopeless deficit, an international perception of American conservatives as inarticulate rednecks, none of which have any end in sight, the president told the press that "they won't have George Dubya to kick around anymore." When asked if we hadn't heard that somewhere before, the president said, "Oh, you people think you're so clever, don't you?" Bush Daddy denied that he was in any way "bitterly disappointed" at being replaced by Sen. Barack "Obi-Wan" Obama, saying instead he was proud that America could overcome its history of prejudice to elect its first Jedi president. "Besides," he said, "that makes two times, now, I've kept John McCain out of the White House *chuckle*"

Asked about his future plans, the president said he had ordered a PlayStation 3 and a large supply of violent video games sent to his ranch in Crawford, TX., in order to continue his favorite pastime of "killing folks and blowing up stuff."

Plans for the Bush Daddy Library are also in full swing. In preparation for selecting its contents, the president announced he's taking up reading. Bush Daddy stated he'd already bought the complete novels of Stephanie Meyer, plus a dictionary to help him with the big words when Laura's not around. Said Mr. Bush: "As a lifelong baseball fan, I'm proud to see so many young Americans come together over this fine story of a young girl's love for an umpire!" Sources close to the president say they plan to break the news to him as gently as possible, when the time is right.


IN OTHER NEWS. . .

The dark clouds of controversy continue to gather and darken under an ill wind for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (pronounced "Blog-O.J., bitch!"). The Illinois state legislature has called for the governor's impeachment. Charges include:

-Scalping tickets to the senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack "Obi-Wan" Obama

-Attempting to auction off Obama's used cigarette butts on e-Bay

-Using naughty language on a wiretap, in violation of the media's constitutional right to a sound-byte they can air during prime-time.

To make matters worse, In Other News has just learned that 1970s TV icon Erik Estrada is now suing Blagojevich for the return of his hair.

In the end, Blagojvich appointed former Illinois Comptroller Roland Burris to fill Obama's seat, despite threats by Senator Hardly Real not to seat him. As yet, there has been no confirmation of rumors that Obama himself used the Force to influence Real's sudden change of heart. This despite Real's strangely worded statement that: "We don't need to see Senator Burris's identification. These aren't the crooked politicians we're looking for. He can go about his business. Move along."

A similar but smaller controversy is sweeping New York's gossip pages. Rumors about that New York Governor David Pondersome may nominate royal heiress Cat-o'nine Kennedy to the vacancy expected when Hillary Rodent Klingon is confirmed as the next Secretary of Scat. Pondersome denies the rumors. In a recent press conference, the governor stated that given the condition of the state's finances, he's not sending anyone to Washington until he's found a way to pay their bus fare.